DEAR READERS: Once again, I can’t let April Fools’ Day pass without printing a few of the more “interesting” letters that have crossed my desk during the past year:
DEAR ABBY: I own a champion Airedale terrier I have been trying to breed for more than a year. Finding her the right match has proven difficult.
Recently, we found a perfect match. Their genetics are superb, and they seem to like each other. The male’s owner and I took the two dogs on a dog run last month and, except for a bit of mud, it was a perfect afternoon. There have been other afternoons and evenings.
The problem is the male’s owner. She will only allow her dog to breed mine if she and I also “breed.” She claims it is the only true way to know if our canines are a perfect match.
I’m not a prude, but since my divorce, I haven’t dated much. The woman is attractive, and I’m lonely, but her proposition felt odd to me. And if the breeding is a regular thing, would that be good for the dogs? What should I do? — OVERWHELMED IN KANSAS CITY
DEAR OVERWHELMED: Keep your romances and those of your pooch separate unless you’re willing to risk your love life going to the dogs.
DEAR ABBY: I wanted to show my elderly co-worker some photos I had taken of the countryside. Without thinking, I handed her my phone so she could browse through them while I went to get coffee. When I returned, my phone was on my desk and she was nowhere to be found.
Only then did I realize she must have seen the many nude pictures of me and my husband. (We like to send each other naughty selfies.) What’s more, the photos are clown-themed: rainbow wigs, red noses, makeup, etc.
My co-worker has never said anything, but now I sense she’s avoiding me. Should I pull her aside and see if she wants to talk about anything? Pretend it never happened? Casually mention “the circus” and see if she gives a reaction? — NAUGHTY IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR NAUGHTY: The less said the better. This mess was caused by your “greatest show on earth” of bad judgment. You have only your selfie to blame for the uncomfortable silence happening in your office.
DEAR ABBY: Would sex with a robot be considered infidelity? — WONDERING IN WESTWORLD
DEAR WONDERING: It’s not infidelity unless the robot belongs to somebody else — or you do.
DEAR ABBY: I love my girlfriend so much. I’m trying to think of a unique romantic gesture to show her what she means to me.
Would it be acceptable to have a carnivorous plant delivered to her office? Although I’ve considered traditional ones, I think the carrion flower is my pick. It’s huge, pink and smells like rotting flesh.
I think it’s the perfect way to express my love. What do you think? — OFFBEAT IN ST. PETE
DEAR OFFBEAT: I think your idea stinks worse than the flower.
Happy April Fools’ Day to you and to all my readers! — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)